The “Pleaser” Saboteur

Sometimes it’s not external circumstances that hold us back, but inner voices that keep us small. These voices are called saboteurs. They show up especially when we step into responsibility or need to make bold decisions. One of the most well-known and at the same time most deceptive is the “Pleaser.” It makes us believe that we are only successful and accepted if we keep everyone happy. But that often prevents us from acting clearly, confidently, and authentically.

What is the Pleaser Saboteur?

Especially women know it well: the inner “Pleaser.” From an early age, we’re taught to be nice girls, to please others, and to avoid conflict. This pattern shapes us and can later become a real obstacle. When we move into leadership positions, it often becomes difficult to make tough decisions or have hard conversations. Instead, the Pleaser Saboteur takes over and convinces us that we must satisfy everyone in order to gain approval and belonging.

The Psychology behind Saboteurs

Inner saboteurs are deeply rooted patterns of thought and behavior, often formed in childhood. Back then, they were useful strategies to gain love, safety, or recognition. Today, however, they run automatically, often outside of our awareness. Neuroscience shows that they are ingrained neural pathways that are triggered over and over again. That’s what makes them feel so natural and powerful. Change only becomes possible when we learn to recognize, name, and consciously practice new ways of responding.

Positive Intelligence: Discovering Your Saboteurs

The Positive Intelligence framework identifies different saboteurs that influence our thinking and actions—among them the Pleaser, the Controller, and the Hyper-Achiever. Each of us carries a unique mix. Once we understand which saboteurs dominate our inner dialogue, we can begin to handle them differently. A helpful tool is the free Saboteur Assessment from Positive Intelligence. It reveals which saboteurs are most active in you and offers valuable insights for your personal development.

How I deal with Pleasers

I’ve learned to look at decisions not only from the perspective of individuals but always with the bigger picture in mind. When I understand why a decision is necessary and what purpose it serves, it becomes much easier to communicate it clearly. Empathy remains important, but it must not become an excuse to water down decisions.

Leadership doesn’t mean pleasing everyone, it means taking responsibility and providing clarity. Marcus Aurelius once put it perfectly: “If it is not right, do not do it; if it is not true, do not say it.”

Strategies for Handling the Pleaser Saboteur

1. Develop Awareness

The very first step is awareness. As soon as we notice that the Pleaser is in the driver’s seat, we create space to choose a different response. But how can this work in everyday life?

A helpful strategy is to ask yourself: “Am I doing this because it truly makes sense—or because I want to be liked?” That single question alone brings clarity.

2. Ask yourself “Why”

Another powerful approach is to strengthen your personal “why.” When you have a clear picture of the purpose or value behind a decision, it becomes much easier to stand firm—even when you face resistance.

3. Small Steps

Another tip is to practice setting boundaries in small steps. Saying no to a request can feel difficult, even when you don’t have the time or it simply doesn’t fit. I know—it’s not easy. The best way to work on it is gradually. For example, once a week, say “no” when you really don’t want to or can’t do someone a favor. That means not automatically jumping into the helper role. Every small step strengthens the sense that your worth is not defined by others’ approval, but by your inner clarity.

Balancing empathy and clarity is also essential. The goal isn’t to become cold or distant, but to communicate kindly and respectfully—without losing sight of your own needs and goals.

Coaching-Exercises:

• The Saboteur Journal: For one week, write down situations where your Pleaser showed up. Note what it told you and how you reacted. This builds awareness.
• The Conscious “No”: Choose a safe situation where you’d usually agree and deliberately say no. Notice that the world doesn’t fall apart.
• The Inner Dialogue: When the Pleaser speaks up, respond internally: “Thank you for trying to protect me, but today I’m making a different choice.”
• The Values Check: Write down your three-five core values and measure your decisions against them. If something doesn’t align, it’s often your Pleaser talking.

In Episode 012 of my Podcasts #HerPerspective: Women who inspire I talk with Prof. Dr. Helena Liebelt about the Pleaser and how she dealed with it. Worth listening – available in German only.

Coaching: How to live with the Saboteur

As a coach, I help my clients identify their saboteurs and develop new ways of dealing with them. I believe we cannot completely silence these voices. But we can learn to live with them, to notice them, and to stop letting them run the show. This is where the opportunity lies—not in fighting saboteurs, but in choosing consciously how we respond to them.

If you want to understand your own saboteurs better, start with the free assessment from Positive Intelligence. It’s often the very first step toward making unconscious patterns visible and creating real change.

Discover your saboteurs: Positive Intelligence Assessment

Conclusion

The Pleaser Saboteur often works invisibly, but it shapes our thoughts and actions more than we realize. Recognizing it is the first step. The second is to actively train strategies that foster clarity, boundaries, and inner strength. Saboteurs aren’t enemies we must eliminate—they are old patterns we can learn to relate to differently. When we do, we gain freedom, authenticity, and true leadership presence.